Oct 8, 2019
You know those people who just seem to get you? They truly understand when you are hurting? They know how to help you? They know the right things to say? Well, I AM NOT ONE OF THOSE PEOPLE! That is not a gift God gave me. I am ashamed to admit I am severely lacking in the empathy department. It is a skill that I truly admire in others, but seem to fall remarkably short in.
If Camille were here to write this post, you would get some great advice and anecdotes about how to use the skill of empathy in your life. Unfortunately for you, but lucky for Camille, she is traveling through Ireland right now. So rather than try and preach hypocrisy, I will let the experts take over.
Enter Figs O’Sullivan
Enter our guest this week on the podcast Figs O’Sullivan. Fig is a licensed Marriage and Family Therapist in San Francisco. He is a certified Emotionally Focused Couples Therapist, and the creator of the Empathi Method. His practice emphasizes the use of empathy to build your relationships.
Here is what we talked about:
- The “issue” we are struggling with our spouse, usually isn’t the real issue.
- There are four people in each relationship: Our vulnerable self, Our protector, The vulnerable self of our spouse, The protector self of our spouse
- The underlying cause of marital disagreement is that we love each other- its an emotional bonding issue.
- When two people love each other they get their feelings hurt.
- Connection is the best comfort
- Empathy is staying vulnerable and feeling with our spouse who is hurting
- The challenge with the boomerang cycle in marriage: We throw the boomerang (something that verbally or emotionally hurts our spouse) and it comes back to us and we get hurt also.
- When our feelings and experiences become valid, people can repair.
Mom Squad Challenge: Describe at least one disconnect you get into with your spouse as a systemic problem. How did it start? What was done? How did it affect you? See the problem as a “we” problem, not a “me or you” problem.
Visit Fig's Website: Empathi to find out more about him and purchase his great courses. Use Promo Code: Familylookingup to get 50% his Learning To Love Better Course
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Andrea